We had a great summer with the kids. Most days we were up and out, either at a playground or swimming in my parents’ pool. We also spent a handful of weekends at the beach. I purposefully did not put the big two in any kind of camp. This was the summer before our lives would be more different than ever. Lucy and Zachary are both going to school. I knew I wanted to soak up every last minute of unstructured time. 

They each did a week long thing, basketball camp for Lucy and lego camp for Zachary. They did well and loved it. Well, Lucy was indifferent about her camp. She hasn’t showed much interest in basketball, but we figured it would be good to try something different. It was a group of kids ages 5-12. Most of them were older kids. She went and played 4 days for 3 hours. “This makes me very sweaty,” she said with a smile on her face. By the end of the week, she said, “Can I switch camps with Zachary?” Haha. It was interesting though that she never said she did not like it. She gave it a try and I was proud of her for that. 

I knew Zachary would love his camp and I knew Lucy would have loved being in it with him, but I wanted to try out having them do separate activities and they did great.

Early June, Lucy “graduated” from pre-k. The school had such a cute program planned for them and Zach and I definitely teared up. Lucy looked so very proud of herself.

Towards the end of June I decided we would embark on a playground quest. My kids love playgrounds and we live in such a wonderful spot that is located near so many playgrounds. 

We visited 35 playgrounds through the summer. I’ll be writing another post about each one we visited. So stay tuned for that.

While I was pretty tired most days by the end of the day, I really enjoyed myself this summer. We got a lot of swimming time, which was great. The big two had taken swim lessons through the spring, so they were thrilled to be able to implement their new skills and improve on them. 

I don’t think I swam that much since the 90s. The last few years I had either been pregnant or breastfeeding, so I didn’t spend much time in the pool. This year, all 3 were willing and able to go in, so I went in with them. Swimming with 3 kids multiple days per week, plus whatever cousins were there, is a hell of a work out! 

As school days inched closer, I could feel myself getting worked up. As long as some of the summer days felt, it went so fast. The kids couldn’t have been more excited to start their new adventures so we were happy about that. I think it’s more nerve-racking for the parents because we are fearing what their reactions may be to such big transitions, while also regulating our own big emotions. 

Labor Day weekend we went to the shore. It was a great last hurrah to it all. Sunday Lucy started spiking high fevers. Ugh. 

We arrived home Monday evening, Lucy would start that Wednesday. She was still not feeling well at all and I too began feeling sick. To be safe, I tested us for Covid. Covid was running through the house the week school was supposed to start. Noooooo.

Lucy missed her first two days of school. She didn’t seem to mind at all, haha. We felt worse about it than she did. By Friday, she was fever and covid free, as were me and big Zach.

We were able to drop Lucy off together and take the classic first day of school family photo. She was happy and walked proudly to her group of classmates.

Last minute family sickness be damned, we did it. We sent our big girl off to Kindergarten.

Two weeks later, Zachary started. He was happy and excited to be going to school “just like Lucy does!” He has been waiting patiently for his time to come. The two of them are happy and eager to go every day. It’s kind of shocking to me. I expected somebody to cry and say don’t leave me Mommy. But, I guess I kept them so close for so long that they are like, “See ya lady!” 

Zachary has some break downs in the morning about what he wants to wear, but besides that, he is thrilled to run into his classroom. Lucy is a slouch when it comes to waking up and will only get out of bed if her Daddy gets her. But again, other than that, she is literally jumping for joy in the morning. 

Big Zach and I jumped right into the new routine. It took some time to get used to consistently waking up at 6:30 because the kids would sleep until 8/8:30 most days through the summer, but overall it’s not bad. 

The hardest part, for me at least, is they don’t need me in the way they used to.

Obviously, they still NEED us. They’re 5, 4, and 2. But, two of them are out in “the world” now and I am left wondering if they are okay. If they feel uncomfortable, if they’re asking to go potty when they need to, are they using a tissue for the nose and not their sleeve, are other kids being nice to them, are they being nice to other kids. Are they being polite to their teachers? Did I do everything I could to make them feel confident enough? Did I hold them too close too long?  

The last few years I have been SO consumed in all of them. And, now, two of them are out of the house. Zachary goes three days a week 9-12, but for three hours three days a week I only have ONE child with me. It’s a huge change. And, like I said before, we are out of this world proud of them, but I almost feel sad that it’s been such an easy transition for them. It’s weird to think I almost want them to need me. I want them to reach out and ask for me. But, instead, they hug me and say good bye with such ease. As overwhelming as it once was, I long for the chaos. 

I am happy I have Peter to focus on, but even he has become so much more independent. He’s with me all the time, but when the other two are gone I realize how much he has changed and grown right under my nose. This time last year he was hardly walking and talking and now he’s running and climbing, and honestly, it’s great he is so verbal, but oh my, I wish he would be a little quiet. I didn’t realize how much of his talking is directed at Lucy and Zachary. So when they’re gone, it’s alllllll on Mommy. 

I haven’t cried really about any of it, which I find funny because I am a crier. I figure, it’s either because I am more ready for all of this change than I thought I was or I am so dehydrated that I can’t generate tears. Either way, I expected myself to be way more weepy.

I feel a little lost as to who I am as a person if I am not engrossed in the kids. Sometimes I feel as though I am more comfortable hiding myself behind them and ignoring what it is I need or want. As much as they’re setting out to find themselves and grow, I too am also finding myself again. I got a taste of this last year when Lucy started pre-school. And now this year is one more step forward.

Who am I now in the next phase? I’m excited to have more time to center my brain to write. Back in March, I took on some part time remote work, so it’ll be good to have all that keep the new space in my brain occupied. It feels good to have responsibilities outside of the kids. Last year I was able to manage some time to create two self-published books. The confidence from doing that makes me think, what else am I going to be able to tack on this year? I feel this growing sense of pride in what I have done with the kids and what I am realizing I can do with myself.

I feel energized to continue to give my brain some new things to figure out and to contribute to the family in more ways. I am also excited to participate in their school communities. I hope to be involved just like my Mom was when I was growing up. I always so appreciated seeing her at events or at lunch recess. Seeing her care so much made me care about school even more.

For now, I’ll be easy on myself and on Zach as we get used to them needing us in a different way than we are used to. If anyone reading this is going through big changes with kids going off to school, my advice is ride the wave. Be there for them in whatever way they need you to be. But don’t forget to be there for yourself too. We’re all doing the best we can.