Nobody, baby, but you and me
It’s been 10 weeks since I last wrote. I’ve had the urge to write but haven’t made myself sit down and type it out. It’s just after 6am on the morning that I am going to the hospital to be induced for labor. I just had a bowl of Coco Puffs. The next time I spend a morning in my house, I’ll have a baby here.
The doctors decided it’s best not to let me go past 40 weeks due to my history of high blood pressure. I am only going a few days before my due date, which they decided to bump back to October 27th, the original date we started with in the beginning. I am 39 weeks and a few days pregnant. How did I get here so fast?
People say the last few weeks often drag on. Not for me. I think the only part that dragged on was the beginning of the pregnancy. I didn’t feel so well for a few weeks and I think I was kind of a wimp about it all. I was super nervous about everything going well and didn’t focus on much else. Once the morning sickness passed and I felt reassured the pregnancy was a successful one, life went in fast forward.
Now, here I am. The nursery is finally ready. The car seat is installed in the car. The clothes, blankets, hats, and socks are all washed and neatly folded in their places. We have an abundance of diapers and wipes, which I am sure we will go through faster than we are expecting. Our hearts and our home are ready to welcome a baby.
I finished work last week so I would have a few days to chill out and get more things in order. Sunday night, my parents had my immediate family over for dinner as a final send off for Zach and I into parenthood. When I got home that night, I watched TV with Zach. Before I went upstairs to get changed, I hugged him. I began to cry and expressed that I was scared. Anytime anyone has asked me how I am, I have responded with a chipper, “I’m fine! Feeling super calm, actually.” While this is true, of course there has been slight trepidation lingering on. Zach reassured me that it would all be okay, no matter what. He’s definitely gotten very good at calming me down. One can try very hard to be strong in front of others, but occasionally you have to let it all out.
After he helped me settle down, I went upstairs alone to get changed. I sat in our room with my hands covering my belly, feeling the kicks and squirms of my little one.
“This is it,” I said. “We’re going to meet you soon.”
Pregnancy can feel lonely. I am not discounting the endless support of my husband and other family and friends. I have had people to count on the whole way. I’ve never felt more blessed. I mean lonely in the sense that this particular experience at this particular time was only happening inside my body. It’s like I felt when I had miscarriages. Women take on this task of completely altering our bodies, minds, and souls from the moment of conception. Yes, things change for men, but those tangible changes aren’t in full effect until the baby arrives home. It can feel isolating, like a lot of things women have to go through. It’s hard to describe to someone exactly how you are feeling when what’s happening inside of you is simply, well, indescribable.
As I held my belly, I began to cry again. I haven’t cried much through this pregnancy, which surprises me, and most of it was happening in this evening. I did a heck of a lot of crying before it, that’s for sure.
As I cried, I smiled. How could I be so selfish? I haven’t been alone in this experience. As I felt my little one push back against my hand, I realized, I’ve had someone within me the whole way.
“It’s been me and you,” I said to my belly. “It’s been me and you the whole time. We’ve been in this together.”
This tiny human residing inside me has given me more strength and confidence than I have ever known. I have had various moments in my life when I have let fear of the unknown stunt me. A lot of of those times were last year when I had the two miscarriages. I don’t feel that fear anymore. I don’t have that self doubt. He or she has helped my heart grow and see the world more clearly than I had been seeing it. My eyes were cloudy, but I can see now. I can physically see the love within and the love that surrounds me. I can do this. We can do this, as a family. Me, Zach, and this brand new life we created together.
The time has now come to share this little one with the world. It’s time for the world to meet this strong, courageous little person I have come to know and love these last nine months.
“We’re going to be okay,” I said to my baby. “We’re really going to be okay.”
“You and Me” – Penny and The Quartets