January 19th marked one year. One year since that wretched day when Zach and I entered the doctor’s office thinking we were going to see a picture of our baby and we left defeated with the knowledge that my body had betrayed us.

The image of an empty womb still haunts me. Zach and I will never forget it. How can we? It was tramautizing. I was so completely confused. I was tired, I was throwing up, my boobs hurt, I had no period. All the signs pointed to a baby. Why was there nothing in there?? I had never heard of such a thing to happen to a person. I had heard of miscarriage, but what the hell kind of miscarriage was this?!

Being a year away from the first miscarriage and 5 months from the 2nd one, I’d like to say I have a whole new understanding on life and I have it all completely figured out and I believe 100% it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows from now on, but I don’t.

I’m enlightened, yes. I appreciate life and time and what I have more than ever. I have joined a new world that I never thought I’d be a part of and I think I have gracefully embraced my experiences and tried to work through them in a positive manner, with the occasional complete ugly cry breakdown. I have had two experiences in something that is not talked about often and I have mustered the courage to splatter my opinion and feelings about it all over social media. I seem like I am doing the right things and healing in the right way. I’m trying to be proactive.

But, I’m still sad. I still cry. I still have doubts.

And I think no matter how far removed from these experiences I become, these feelings of sadness and doubt will still linger. I’m going to have two empty places in my heart forever, no matter what else I fill it with. I have to keep reminding myself that this is part of my story now. It happened. I was told it probably won’t happen again and then it did. And hey, I survived it. I’m still alive. 

But am I going to be cautiously optimistic forever? Am I ever again going to feel free to be excited over something right away, without thinking of the downsides first? I guess I won’t know until I have that first successful pregnancy. I’ve read that some women who have had miscarriages don’t feel completely better until they experience a successful pregnancy. Maybe I am one of those people. Maybe it’ll all make sense when I have my first baby and I am holding a new life in my arms. Until then, I am choosing to be proactive rather than feel sorry for myself.

I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself over the year. I have been the only attendee at my pity party and I don’t want to be the person who tries to keep the party going when it should have ended hours ago. Life is moving on, whether I am ready for it or not.

Like I said before, my new year’s resolution is to live in the now and focus on what is in front of me. I’m not going to forget what has happened, but I am going to learn from it rather than allow it to keep dragging me down. This is hard. I can’t sugarcoat it. This shit is downright difficult (sorry I cursed, Mom). So far I am accomplishing this goal, unlike my other new year’s resolution of working out on a regular basis. I have a very strong, long relationship with Oreos that I just can’t seem to end. They comfort me more at the end of a long day than the treadmill does.

I guess one of the biggest lessons I have learned over the year is how to live a happy life while being sad. I’ve learned how to get excited, enjoy life, interact with family and friends, all while trying to riddle out these things that have happened to me. I’ve seen many around me have babies and get pregnant. I’ve learned not to project my problems on to them, but instead bask in their happiness. I ask them what it’s like and how they’re feeling. If anything, by the time I am blessed with being pregnant, I’ll be even more prepared because of all of the knowledgeable women I know. Some days I am not very good at it.

Some days I’d rather sit at home and wallow than go out with friends or hang out with my family. That has happened more often than not over this past year. Some days, though, I feel like my old self and I’m energetic and ready to take on whatever life has for me. I think it’s all about finding a balance with these insane feelings swimming around in my head and my heart. I don’t want to be that sad sap, but it’s okay to be that side of myself on occasion. I’m human and I don’t know the answers to it all. I need to admit when I am lost and need help, which I have trouble doing. I’d rather figure things out on my own, but in this day and age with all the advancements in everything, there’s no reason to go through things alone. I am going to the doctor, which I have been hesitant to do. I need to find out more information to settle my mind and talk it out with someone who knows more than me. Even though I think I know it all from reading articles on Google. It’s hard taking that step to admit that I’m scared and unsure and I need to know if I am doing the right things. Nobody likes to admit when they feel defeated, especially a girl who has grown up with four brothers. I have this notion in my head that I have to be strong and independent. But everybody needs help at some point and that’s okay.

This year has been one that I never expected. To say I am grateful for it sounds bizarre, but in a way I am grateful. I am grateful God, or whatever higher power is up there, has chosen for me to experience a struggle. I am grateful that I found a person like Zach to go through this struggle with me. Together we have made a good team tackling this. Oh God, “team tackling this.” Did I just use football terminology to describe my relationship with Zach? Must be the thoughts of the Eagles vs Pats Super Bowl. There’s another struggle God has ‘blessed’ us with. Not sure I am grateful for that one. Why couldn’t the Pats have lost that playoff game? They played terribly. They have had too many Super Bowl appearances, they need to go away.

Sports rivalries aside, I’m surprised I’ve survived this year with a positive attitude towards life still intact. I’m stronger than I thought. It sucks that we have to go through crappy stuff to find out what kind of  person we are, but that’s life. You gotta roll with the unexpected.

Until next time, GO EAGLES.