One thing I seem to be struggling with lately, and it’s probably an area almost everyone struggles with, is understanding life. I’ve probably noted this before, since all this stuff I’m sending out to the world is about my take on life. Life is a gigantically deep thing to understand. Gigantically, (is that a word?), isn’t even a big enough word to encompass life. It’s infinitely deep, infinitely interesting, at least to me. I know it’s one of the great cliche questions out there, what does it all mean, why are we all here. In the past few years, I have found myself getting frustrated because I get this feeling that I need to know why things happen the way that they do. A lot of it doesn’t make sense and that makes me upset. I tend to over think things and I tend to think about them so much that I write about them and then I think I sound profound. Hence, the blog. And all of you wonderful people humor me and read what I think. I know I sound redundant because a lot of people talk about this topic.

Through my 26 years, I have experienced the best and worst life can bring.

Birth and death.

We all experience that, obviously. Life is birth and death and all the nitty gritty wonderful and terrible things that fall in between. I’ve said this before and again sorry if I sound like a broken record, but the innocence we have when we are young truly does amaze me. I feel as though I was able to overcome certain situations better when I was younger. I feel the need to channel that lost innocence, that lost understanding that I once possessed. I’ve really felt the need to do that recently.

A few weeks ago my uncle passed away suddenly. He was my mom’s only brother. The only boy in a family of 7. He was the first one of the 7 to pass. I was with my mom when she got the phone call. I still can’t get the look on her face out of my head. Saying it was heartbreaking doesn’t begin to cover it. She lost her big brother. Being the only girl in my family, I feel a responsibility for my mom. I know if she’s reading this she’ll say to herself, “What? She’s ridiculous.” But that’s my mom. She doesn’t like people worrying about her. She’s the strongest person I know. To see her cry, I can’t even begin to tell you what that does to me. My mom and her sisters went from being middle aged women back to being little girls. Their big brother was gone.

I’m from a big family. I’ve seen family members pass before. In the past year and a half though, we’ve lost a few family members. It never gets easier and it never makes sense. No matter if they were sick, or if it was unexpected. I don’t know why I thought it would or hoped that it would make sense. But it just doesn’t. Each time this occurs, I get this jolt of a feeling that says to me okay this time it will fall into place in my mind. This time I will get a sign or have some sort of epiphany of what it all means and why it all happens. That never comes to me. It’s been getting hard too because it seems like my inner circle is starting to go. Before, it’s been great aunts and uncles, grandparents, and not that it’s easier to see them go, because it’s not, but went it happened, my young mind was okay with the fact that it was their time to go. It was their time to move on from this world. My innocence allowed me to feel a comfort that they would be okay. I don’t feel that comfort as much anymore. My nephew was with us when we found out about my uncle. He saw us crying. My mom said to him, “Robert went to heaven. You remember Robert, right?” I’ll never forget his sweet little face. He shook his head up and down and had a frown on his face. He looked up and said, “Yeah. I remember Robert. We will all remember Robert. He’s gone and he’s not coming back. But he’ll be okay.” He was so sure of himself, so confident. It was amazing and he doesn’t even know how he comforted us. This little boy said such big words with so much confidence. I was proud of him.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I would say in this post or if I would even post it. Because I really don’t know what to say. I guess that’s a lie since I can’t stop writing. I worry about how I would come off in this post. I don’t want to come off as a poser or someone who is trying to push their beliefs or something. I just need to talk about these things and I feel the need to write about them too. I don’t know if any of this will help anybody who reads, or help anybody who has recently lost someone, especially my cousins and aunt and the rest of my family members. With anything I write, I ultimately just want to make an impact. And I hope I do that. I hope I can inspire those who don’t know what to do when these things happen to be open to talking about it, open to write about it whether it’s public or private. Getting it out verbally or on a page can really do wonders.

My boyfriend was with me when we first found out my uncle passed. We’ve been dating two and a half years, so he’s been around for the most recent sad moments in my family. This time though, he was there for the actual call. He saw me crying and he put his arm around me and held me. He said to me, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what do.” That was all he needed to do. Death is a scary thing. Plain and simple. It’s terrifying. Everyone says, well, it’s part of life. Yes, it is. But ya know what, it scares the hell out of me.

I’ve beaten myself up about that, that it scares me. But since I’ve been reflecting on this, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay because we are all in it together. We aren’t alone.  Every single person on this entire planet and whatever is out in other galaxies, everything has experienced death. Even though it physically separates us, it connects us emotionally and spiritually. And I’d like to believe it connects us after this physical world. I’ll be honest though, I’ve doubted that faith that I used to have as a child, the great and comforting belief that we are all reunited one day. The belief of an afterlife that was drilled into me through my twenty some years of catholic school. It’s another thing I’ve struggled with, but I don’t get as upset that I struggle with it. Now that I’m older, I take it in a different way. Growing up it was just a fact, like the sky is blue. The sky is blue, we get eternal life when we die, it’s all a fact. I feel as though it makes me a stronger person to have doubts because I take the thought more seriously. I’ve become a more spiritual person because of my doubts and fears. I use them in a positive way to search and try to understand it all.

I don’t think my boyfriend realizes how important it was that he was there with me. Well, now he does because I just wrote it and I’m sure he’s reading, or at least I’ll make him read it. I mean he should read it. You should be reading. I hope you’re reading this, thanks by the way. And, sorry, I know I told you I wouldn’t call you out on my blog, but welcome to the life of dating a writer.

Just feeling him next to me gave me comfort. Being in his arms made me feel safe, it made me feel like it was all going to be okay. I watched as my dad did the same thing for my mom. That’s what works for me, having someone next to me. And different things work for different people. Some people want to scream and hit things. Do it. Some people prefer to be alone and cry. Do it. Do whatever soothes you, whatever brings you solace. But do not hold it in. Holding it in doesn’t help, I know from experience.

It’s these times unfortunately when we realize how important our time is and how important it is to have others around us. We hold those we love closer. We cherish the times we have with them. Perhaps these things happen to teach us to say I love you more, to hug more, to  laugh more, to be genuinely happy to be living our lives the way we want to live them. It’s evident we are each given a certain amount of time. We don’t know how much, but as cliche as it sounds it is imperative to make the best of the time we have. It’s so incredibly important to keep in touch with family and friends. Today’s world is so interconnected through the Internet and I think it’s great the way we can keep in touch via Facebook, Twitter, email, texting, the list goes on. But it’s also so important to keep that face to face connection. Make that physical effort to go see somebody, to have a face to face meaningful conversation. You never know when it will be the last one. I think our society has lost the beauty of that face to face connection. I honestly have moments where I feel more comfortable having a conversation via texting, emailing, or the phone. But we must make a conscious effort to maintain that face to face contact, even if we have to make a bigger effort to travel to see our loved ones. It really is beautiful, the interactions between people. Something as simple as a conversation, it’s beautiful. Life is beautiful, even though it’s hard, it’s painful, it’s confusing, it’s completely hectic. At least we all have each other in it.

I hope all of this ties together and makes sense. I’ve thought so much about it that I’m not even sure what I wrote and I’m not even going to proofread it so pardon the grammar and spelling mistakes if there are any.

So here’s to those I’ve lost recently: Robert, Ronnie, Weston, Mimi, Eddie, and all those who have gone before them. I hope you are all up there having a damn good time together laughing at us as we stumble our way through and try to understand what you’ve left behind. We wouldn’t mind if you shot us a message of what it’s all about, just if you feel like it. You know, we’d love to know. And, if you can, read my blog, because this one is for all of you.

May God bless you all and keep you always. I love you.