Soon after I had my first child, people were quick to ask, “So, when is the next one coming?!”

After I had my second, people asked, “Think you’ll go for three? Can you handle being outnumbered?”

This time around the questions of when is the next one have stopped and it’s turned into comments like, “Your fourth? Good luck.” 

“Fourth? Wow, you think you’re ready for that?” 

“Four?! This will be your last, right??” 

And the most surprising comment, actually made to my husband from someone he just met, “Wow, it’s your fourth. So, have all of them been planned?” 

Like really, m’am??

Reminded me of a story my Mom told me once. When my brothers and I were young (there are 5 of us) we all looked a bit different. She was out with us and a person actually asked my Mom, “Do they all have the same father?” Crazy, right! Even if we didn’t, what place does that person have to ask such a thing?? I told my Mom you should have said “nope, all different Dads,” to see the reaction. What does it even matter?

Society is so ready to move on to the next thing all the time, even when it comes to families. But, society is also quick to judge the size of family one chooses to have or not have. Have children, but not too many children. There is a lot of judgment surrounding parenthood. That’s something I have struggled with over the years. Thinking too much about whether the approaches we are taking are acceptable to others, rather than if it’s good for our family.

But at this point I’m starting to think, WHY DOES ANYONE CARE???

If you’re living life and trying to do good in the world and not hurting anybody, I don’t care if you’re married, who you are married to, unmarried, children, no children, just live your life and be happy. I don’t know that Zach and I ever definitively came up with a number of how many we wanted. When we first started out, I was all about let’s have 5 or more! Then we started having them and I thought well maybe not MORE than 5. Zach likes 3 because he came from it and I like 5 because I came from it. Once we had our 3rd, Peter, it felt very busy. Especially year 1-2 when he was hospitalized for asthma related reactions.

By the time Peter was 1, I didn’t have that familiar “baby fever feeling” yet. I was surprised because after my first. Lucy, I was ready to go at 10 months postpartum. As soon as she finished breastfeeding and I had one menstrual cycle, I got pregnant. I often think I was in a rush to “catch up” because of my miscarriages. Catch up with who? Myself? My timeline that I created in my head? I felt behind and I wanted to make up for the two that I lost as quick as I could. In retrospect, maybe I wasn’t thinking logically, but if we hadn’t gone for it at that time we wouldn’t have the ball of energy that is Zach Jr. We would have a different person.

Lucy and my second, Zachary, are 19 months apart. After Zachary was born, I took a little more time. He was born at the start of the pandemic so I was a mental case for a while.

Zachary and my 3rd, Peter, are 2 years apart, almost exactly. This time Peter and the new one will be 3 years apart. I honestly felt for a little while, okay, 3 is it for us. And I felt good about it. Life was busy especially since we decided to keep Lucy home one more year, so we had 3 children aged 4 and under in our house all the time, haha! 

Lucy was 3 when we brought Peter home in July. She turned 4 in the fall. We could have put her in pre-school, but we didn’t. There were multiple reasons. I felt bad pushing her out of the house when such a big transition was happening. Pre-k costs money and I didn’t see a reason to be spending that just yet when I was home full-time. I had the opportunity to allow Lucy to be home and get to know her new brother, so I did it. I got pushback comments for sure, but whatever. I made it harder on us, yes, but we made lasting memories so it worked out. She’s going into 1st grade now and loves school and seems well-adjusted, so whatever. We all choose to do what we think is best for our littles and it shouldn’t be anybody else’s problem. That’s an open reminder to myself to stop worrying what other people think about our choices. Stop worrying, Kate!

Baby fever started to hit when Peter turned 2. Once I felt more settled with his breathing issues, I remember feeling like okay, it’s time. I can’t accurately describe “baby fever.” What I have felt after having babies, is separate from logic. I have felt it in my body. My body was telling me, we need to do this again. I am meant to do it again. And I mean, we already have 3 so what’s one more? We kept it on the table and kept discussing. We had a big year this past year, with a trip to California to see Zach’s sister and then six months later an international trip to Trinidad to see her get married, so there was a lot ahead that factored into reasons to “wait.”

 But, here we are! 9 weeks out from a fourth child. 

I am blessed and privileged to be in a relationship that has the room for us to “go with it.” We have enough trust in each other to go for what we want out of life and have confidence we can figure anything out together. Zach has always given me this feeling that I can do anything, no matter how far fetched the idea may seem. His love has instilled a confidence in me that wasn’t completely developed before I met him. I think and hope I have done the same for him. Families do not often have the luxury that we have. And if we didn’t have the support we have in terms of extended family, I’m not sure we would have had more than 2. It’s hard and I don’t know how people do it completely alone. The mental capacity it takes is overwhelming, let alone the physical. If I didn’t have the option to leave my children with any number of family once in a while, I’d be way more stressed. Zach and I make good partners too I think. Like any marriage, we fight over who will get up in the middle of the night and who got to sleep in when, but when push comes to shove, we’ve created a system that works fairly well for us. Nothing is perfect and we’ve had the insight to see that and pick up slack or tweak routine that suits everyone. We’ve learned that as much as you “plan” with a family, you have to have the capacity to go with the flow because children are ever changing. Plans are not guaranteed and you have to be adjustable.

But, anyway, I am ready for four! I think I am. We are. I guess we will find out when this one comes. 

The start of this pregnancy was miserable. I was throwing up almost every day and some days all day. I had never been so tired at the start of a pregnancy. 

I don’t know what I would do without my Mom. I napped so many times at her house while my oldest was in school. And my aunt would come and hang with us as well. Nothing like an early afternoon nap in your Mom’s bed! 

I felt wretched and I felt like a failure. I couldn’t suck it up. I had to lie down. I’ve had “morning” sickness (also insane they still cal it that because it can last all day) with each pregnancy. But I guess since I have 3 now I was already depleted so it hit me harder. I don’t know. But it was rough from week 7-17ish. I think a lot of the time Moms are made to feel that asking for help or accepting an offer to rest makes us weak. My Mom has had to reiterate to me on more than one occasion, “I am here! Use me! Take a nap. You need it.” I let the guilt overtake me and often end up apologizing for resting. That’s another thing I am working on. I feel this expectation that I need to be “doing” for the kids always especially because I have chosen to be home with them. This is my job and I have to keep up with the grind. I feel like this is what I chose to do so I need to do it all, all of the time. Obviously, it’s impossible. We need rest. And I am forever grateful for my Mom reminding me of that. I am a better Mom after letting my body refresh.

By mid 2nd trimester, I started feeling pretty good and active. I’m 30 weeks now and still actually feeling not bad. Fatigue is hitting hard again, but not many aches and pains and I am still mobile enough that I can keep up with the big three for the most part. I hope it continues this way. I get that familiar guilty feeling that I can’t be who they need and are used to me being. I’m the kind of person that enjoys jumping right in with them and participating. No matter how many times I do this, it’s frustrating for me to “slow down.” 

I honestly have never been more excited to get a baby out and get started with life. I don’t feel anxious or afraid. I can’t wait to see who is in there. Judging by the movement, this one is also ready to join the fun. I also am ready to get myself back up and running, literally. With each pregnancy, I become more aware of how long pregnancy takes. It’s a lot! We change so much. Time to get back to me and get to the fun.

The other three have been so attentive and seem excited. Peter has been a bit more clingy with me, which I expected. We moved him into the bottom bunk, so he shares a room with Zachary now. Lucy has her own room. Overall he has done well with it. He is still getting up once a night and coming into me. He doesn’t cry or saying anything. He opens our door and he waits. I walk him back and he goes back to sleep. Not sure if he’s making sure we’re still there or doing it to stick it to me, but I think we have enough time to work out the kinks before I’m up every night with the newbie.

The kids have responded pretty well to any transition we’ve put them through. I’m proud of them. I am proud of us as a family.

Here’s to four.