At the end of October, I was at home with the kids when I got a text from my brother Mike. It was a group message with my other 3 brothers.

“Call Mom. Debra died.”

“Omg,” I shouted out loud when I read it. I began to cry. 

I ran to the stairs to tell Zach. Lucy followed close behind.

“Why are you crying? Mommy, what happened?”

I ran up the stairs and Zach opened his office door.

“Debra died. Debra died.”

“Oh, no,” he said. His eyes filled up. We embraced and he asked me what happened etc., but I didn’t have any answers yet.

We looked towards the stairs to find Lucy staring back at us. 

“Why is Mommy crying?” Her eyes were big with worry.

“Debra went to heaven, Lucy. Do you remember your great aunt Debra?” I asked her.

“Yes, I remember her. I feel so sad,” she said.

“I’m sad too,” I said as I hugged her.

“But, Mommy, what about her children?”

“Her children will be very sad. But we will always be there for them and help them through.”

“Okay,” she said. 

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My aunt Debra was a force. Her smile illuminated the room, her laugh inspired laughter, and her love for and loyalty to her friends and family was unmatched. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention her style. She had it for sure, more than any of us.

Debra served as an Assistant U.S. Attorney for more than 30 years. She investigated and tried cases both locally and internationally in the D.C. Superior Court, the D.C. Court of Appeals and the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia. She tried over 125 cases. She was actively involved in her church and community and dedicated to her sorority, AKA. 

She was the wife of my uncle Robert, my Mom’s only brother and 2nd oldest of the Doyle family. To marry a man who is from a family of 7, 6 of them girls and he is the only boy, is a daunting endeavor. It was an endeavor my Aunt Debra took on with joy. She quickly became a beloved sister to my Mom and my other aunts.

I’ll never forget the way she’d laugh when she told us about how she reacted when she realized she was in love with Robert. “I was in love with a white man! ME! I went home and I threw up. I couldn’t believe it.” 

My Aunt Debra was a strong and proud African American woman. She and my Uncle Robert were my first exposure to a mixed couple. My Mom and her family welcomed her with open arms as any new loved one should be welcomed. It’s crazy to me that even now people still have an issue with mixed couples. I could never understand it even as a child and I still don’t. Who the hell cares?? We are all trying to do the same thing, live our lives with love and joy and take care of each other.

Growing up with their example, we all understood on a basic level that love is love, people are people no matter what they look like. We all deserve respect, dignity, and love. And Debra and Robert loved each other fiercely. Their love helped them overcome insurmountable struggle.

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Growing up, we would see Robert and Debra a few times a year for holidays, or for any big event that was going on in the family. And my Mom kept in touch with them over the phone and email. All the Doyles are always connected no matter how far. 

They had three children, Michaela, Benjamin, and Skyler.

When Michaela was young, she and Benjamin came down with a virus. Michaela got better, but Benjamin did not.

Benjamin was hospitalized for a few weeks. Debra and Robert were by his side for every second. Sadly, in November of 1992, Benjamin passed away in the hospital at the tender age of 3.

One of the most admirable qualities Debra possessed was her ability to power through even the worst possible scenarios.

I can remember, the last time I saw her in August, she mentioned she wanted to put together a book about loss. She wanted women who experienced loss to contribute their stories and she would contribute her piece about Ben. She had hoped that it would help others cope with the devastation of losing a child. On Mother’s Day 2024, she gave a very moving speech about her experience of losing Benjamin. The strength it must have taken to stand up and recount that horrid time and still come out believing in life and love and God. Unreal. Also, to want to share her experience in an effort to help others, no matter how hard it is to share. She did it.

I remember saying to her how did you do it? I can’t even begin imagine having to get through something like that. It seemed unimaginable before I had my own children, but now that I am a Mother I see it from a new perspective. How do you even go on living after that? She told me it was the worst time of her life. But she got through it with the power of faith and family. She held him in her heart every day. 

I don’t remember the event very clearly since I was only 5. I can remember everyone being really sad. I can remember spending time with Michaela playing and just remember the general sense of sorrow in the family. I really remember my Mom. She had just lost her Mother 6 months before Ben’s passing. She and my aunts were so strong for Robert and Debra. But to have such a tragedy and to have to continue being a Mom while grieving must be so hard. Even if you try to hide it, your children know you’re sad.

It’s interesting how really major things can happen when children are little and we assume, “oh, they won’t remember.” But just because they can’t recount the actual event, they are internalizing the feelings. I can honestly remember the feelings. The memory isn’t in my head, it’s in my heart. 

Over the years, Debra kept Benjamin’s spirit alive by talking about him. Debra was not shy about bringing up memories of him. I think it helped her and I hope she realized it helped all of us. Even if some of us were too young to remember or not even born yet, we all knew and loved our Benjamin and we still speak of him.

Every November Debra would travel from DC to visit his gravestone that is located near us in Philadelphia. Whoever was around would join and we’d go out to lunch afterwards. As sad as the reason was for the gathering, it was so good for us to be together. The afternoon would often be filled with laughter, tears, and so much love. I have joined a few times over the years. Since I have had children, I have brought them along. We have visited the family plot a few times to say hello and say prayers together with their extended family. Even though they have passed, I want my children to know them.

A few years later, Debra went on to have my cousin Skyler. I can remember being at our shore house. Robert and Debra were visiting with Michaela and baby Skyler. She was only a few months old. My Mom and my aunts were dancing in the kitchen, holding Skyler and singing the song “Sky Pilot.” I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now. What a marvel this family was. The family that traveled through such darkness, danced and sang in the new light. 

Robert and Debra’s love and faith carried them through to bring Skyler into the world. What an asset she and Michaela have been in all of our lives and in the lives of so many. 

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Debra survived 10 years without the love of her life, Robert. 

I was out to lunch with my Mom, Dad, and Zach when my Mom got a call. The phone rang and my Mom said, “Oh, it’s Debra. Let me answer.” It was a beautiful, regular afternoon in May.

She excused herself from the table. The sound that came next was like that of a scared child, a scream of terror. “Robert died. Robert died. Oh my God, Robert died!” She came back to the table trembling.

When Robert died, it was completely shocking. He died of a sudden heart attack. It wasn’t fair. Especially for Robert and Debra, who had already endured such heartache. And for Michaela and Skyler, so young and with so much ahead of them, now had to face their lives without their beloved Dad. Why weren’t they all given the free pass to grow old together? Why did Debra and the girls have to face yet another devastating hurdle? What was the point in all of this? Debra and her girls once again handled sorrow with dignity and grace. 

For 10 years, Debra continued living her life to the fullest. She remained active in her church and neighborhood community, and sorority. She stayed close with her immediate family and extended family attending weddings and family reunions. She was an example of strength for us all. She met and got to know two grandchildren, who she was able to travel to see and vice versa. She was able to get to know many great nieces and nephews. All of these wonderful family events occurred in the 10 years after losing Robert. She had so much to keep her busy. She had so much life in her despite so much loss. She spoke of Robert with love often, like the way she would speak of Ben.

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The night I found out about Debra, I went over to my Mom’s house and sat with her and my Dad and my Aunt Clare. We were all in shock. Debra. The indomitable Debra. A woman who survived some of life’s worst struggles: losing a child, battling cancer, losing her beloved husband. 

Debra died. It didn’t seem to make any sense at all.

In preparing for her services, my cousins asked if I would make a montage of photos of her. They sent me over 200 photos. I had some photos of my own and video too. They said they understood if I didn’t have time to do it, but I had to. I wanted to and I had to. Debra was always so kind to me about the many videos I did for the family and my other creative endeavors like writing. I even made one for her Mother when she passed years before. I knew she would love something made by me.

I sat down Sunday night, the service would be the following Saturday, and I did it all in one night. I spent hours at my computer. I cried the whole time. My cousins did a beautiful job of compiling pictures and her favorite music. The photos truly encapsulated all 70 of her years. I even included clips of her dancing at our Thanksgiving gatherings and some weddings. The video was played in the church before the ceremony. The scenes of her dancing played on a big screen above her casket. I could hear laughter behind me as it played, another gift from Debra. I think she would have loved it.

My heart aches beyond measure for my cousins, Michaela and Sky. I so admire their constant tenacity in what they have had to face. I’m so grateful that they have each other. They have many extended family on the Doyle side and on the Long side (Debra’s family), but having each other is invaluable. They were raised by Debra. They overcame struggle alongside Debra. They know Debra differently than any of the rest of us and they will always share that. 

They planned a beautiful service. I’ll never forget, when the receiving line began to end and the ceremony was going to begin, Michaela and Skyler stood at their mother’s casket together. Even though I was sitting towards the back, I could feel their energy. Their sadness was palpable, but there was also a feeling of hope. They turned to each other and they embraced. They held each other in such a way as if they were one. They looked at their Mother, they cried and held each other and then returned to their seats. It was a beautiful moment. And they taught all of us so much about life, love, and family just in that moment, in that embrace, saying good bye to their Mother, together. 

Death is inevitable. We are all forced to deal with it. I think it’s best to face it and talk about it and live through it and not hide from it. I have known many family members in my 37 years. Immediate family, extended family, and I credit my parents for making the effort to have us know all of these people. We have known grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Our aunts and uncles have been extra sources of comfort and guidance. Our cousins are like brothers and sisters. That doesn’t just happen. People have to make that happen. And my parents and their siblings, they are the reasons the rest of us know how to do this and know the joy it can bring. I am so grateful to you all for this gift.

I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that the more people you stay connected to, the more funerals you have to go to. A bit morbid, but such is life. It is all very much worth it. That’s what life is about: living and loving and making memories, knowing our loved ones inside and out and getting to move through happiness and struggle with support. 

When I was young, I always thought Debra was so funny. I loved her outfits, her hairstyle, her ability to not care what anyone thought. As my cousins mentioned at her service, she was always herself. I very much admired that about her. What a joyful way to live your life, 100% as yourself.

I loved seeing how my Mom and her sisters truly treated Debra as one of their sisters. The way they would laugh together and sing and dance. They always could find laughter and joy no matter what stage of life they were in. What a lesson.

It doesn’t always happen like that with in-laws and with family in general. I know that because I have seen and heard that from friends. I am aware of the privilege I have of living this experience. I think I’ve been able to grow my own loving friendships with my siblings and in-laws because of what I witnessed growing up. I was taught that you accept people for who they are and wherever they are from and whatever they look like. Not even through words, but through actions, through love. I teach these lessons to my children. They know their cousins and aunts and uncles on both sides. They know their great aunts and uncles. They even have a great grandmother on Zach’s side and got to know their great grandfather before he passed. The effort is always worth it.

The same goes for friends that become family. If you don’t have the biological family, forging friendships that turn into family takes time and effort. If you’re willing to put in the effort, the return is so gratifying. Life is more manageable when you know you have people to lean on.

Grieving Debra alongside my family has been tough. And my cousins, my sweet cousins…when I left the luncheon after the service, I was hugging them both. I said to Skyler, “I don’t know how you can be so strong.” She said to me, “It doesn’t feel real yet, but I’m an orphan now.” 

To see them go through this, I can’t help but think ahead that this will happen to me. My parents will be gone some day, many family members will. Witnessing these reminders is a blessing. Yes, I think it is a blessing to experience these things. It helps our hearts remain open and aware. It helps our minds focus on the moment at hand. It can helps us let go of anger, or resentment, or fear if we allow it. Thank you to my cousins for teaching me this. Thank you for being the same pillars of strength that your parents were and still are in spirit. Thank you for loving us enough.

Although it was four months ago, it still doesn’t feel real yet. I know it will become more real for us as we gather for more holidays and birthday parties where we will feel Debra’s absence. But to know that we have the privilege of having so many to share memories of her with and so many to cry with and be real with, how blessed are we. How blessed were we to know Debra, Robert, and the many others who have now gone before us. To have known them and loved them was such an honor. Isn’t it interesting how in death you can find so much life.