Another year ending. A lot of things transpired this year. A lot of good things. Some crazy things and some sad things. Things I’ve already written about so excuse me if I repeat anything and things I just realized I still need to write about. I spent a lot of time with babies again. Story of my life.

Thinking back, a majority of 2023, all 3 were home with me. Lucy has only been going to school for 4 months! How has it only been 4 months?! The new routine we got into feels like it’s been going on a lot longer. Like, these last 4 months (Sept-December), have felt like a year. January-September of having all 3 with me a majority of most days felt less busy than Lucy being in school and just Zach and Peter home. 

I’m proud of our little humans and I’m proud of Zach and I for handling our new routine so well. The boys adjusted to Lucy being gone and as you read in my post about Lucy, she was MORE than ready to start school. 

It was a good year as a Mom. Emotional and sometimes a struggle, same as all the other years. As I write this in the notes section of my phone, I’m sitting in my car (Peter napping in the back) at the cemetery. I live about 3 minutes from the cemetery where a lot of my mom’s family is buried. Sometimes when I drive the kids for naps, I come here and sit. I’ve written of this before. I either stare into the sky and empty my mind or I write, like right now.

It’s so quiet here, pretty dead actually. Okay, I had to. The joke was on the table. New year, same jokes. This is what you get people.

I’ve had a lot going on inside my head this year. What a surprise, right? But I feel like, more thoughts than ever.

I’m surrounded by people every day, but some days I can’t help but feel lonely. Chalk it up to hormones, I don’t know. I’ve read about Moms feeling lonely in the thick of things with their kids. It’s hard to split myself for everyone and be everywhere at once. I try to keep up with relationships but it can get difficult when the little humans inside my house demand so much of me. And I get bad FOMO, fear of missing out. So when I’m disconnected from people who I’ve previously been connected with, I begin to feel left out. This has all been hitting me hard lately.

It just stinks to see relationships change under my nose and then realize things are different than they ever used to be. But, such is life. I of course blame myself always. My life is changing and evolving faster now and I am learning how to keep up. I am getting caught in my head too much and assume that if I don’t hear from people, that they don’t care. I have to be conscious of the fact that people are just as caught up in their own lives as I am in mine. That’s one of my resolutions for this new year, if not my only resolution. To be more understanding and willing to work harder for connection. Communication is a two way street. I need to get my head out of the water sometimes and breathe and realize there is a world outside of my kids that is waiting for me. 

I’m an expert at throwing pity parties. I always have been and I need to stop doing that. Everybody is in different phases of their lives and we’re all doing the best we can. Every day is an opportunity to pick up with an old friend or old hobby or whatever. It’s about how much effort I want to put into it all. And it’s okay if some days I don’t have the energy, because I have a heck of a lot going on inside my own house.

I’ve been a Mom for 5 years. You think I’d be adjusted to how it all feels but I guess Lucy going to school has given me ALL the feelings. This is different than anything we know so far. I’m not AS consumed by her anymore. She is starting her OWN life, which gives me leeway to jump back into my own more. And I’m finding myself feeling uncomfortable about that. Omg, a breakthrough. I think that could be part of the reasoning for feeling lonely. I’m entering a new phase of this journey. A child in school. Now I can focus a little more on my other two and on other things and maybe I’m afraid. I have to make new relationships, *gasp.*

Being 18 months postpartum with Peter has been messing with my head too. I said it before and I’ll say it again, HORMONES ARE NO JOKE. This is the longest I’ve gone without being pregnant in 6 years. Got pregnant and miscarried. 6 months later, got pregnant and miscarried. 6 months later got pregnant with Lucy. 10 months post Lucy I got pregnant with Zachary. 16 months post Zachary I got pregnant with Peter. So 18 months post, time to get pregnant again.

While we have talked about more kids, there’s always a chance that Peter could be my last. And that makes me sad!! Spoiler alert, we’re not saying that THIS IS IT, but we’re also content right now. I feel in between and I haven’t felt that yet. Even though I was a mess, as soon as I had Lucy I was like I know I want another when should we try?? After Zachary, the feeling came a little bit later but it came full force. I NEED ANOTHER BABY. Literally, I remember saying that to Zach. But, 3 is good for now I think. We have a good system going and the kids seem happy. I am enjoying feeling like myself again and I don’t want to have to change just yet. But, as mind boggling and exhausting as the days of pregnancy and the early days of infancy are, the prospect that those days could be over for me makes me sad. I’m being easy on myself and enjoying watching Peter begin to really interact one on one with his big brother. I am enjoying watching Lucy take on her new role in the real world. I’m enjoying my time with Zach at the end of the day when the kids are in bed. So, we’ll see what the year brings and how our family dynamic develops. It feels weird to be in this new space in my mind and heart. I’m starting to feel, dare I say it, grown up.

One of the major events for us of 2023, was the passing of Zach’s grandfather in May of this year. He was 93. He was a sweet man. I was grateful to have had him as my grandfather-in-law. I met Zach 12 years ago and I’ve known his family for at least 10 or 11 of those years. My Mom’s parents passed away when I was 5. My Dad’s Dad passed away when my Dad was 15, so I never got to meet him. My Dad’s Mom lived until she was 90. I was 20 when she died. We had a relationship with her which I am grateful for. When I met Zach when I was 24, and he told me had a set of grandparents that were still living, I was so excited to get to know them. I love sitting with grandparents and hearing their stories and their wisdom. I’ve been meaning to write about his grandfather’s passing and our final times with him and how it affected us. I’d like to write a separate post about it, but I didn’t want to fail to mention it in this yearly review because it was a defining moment for us.

I self-published a book this year and I’m proud of it. I’m proud of myself for taking some extra time to complete a project I had in my mind for a while. It’s a spark I lit in myself that had been dimmed for a while. The support from friends, family, and the local community has been very kind. I even sold 3 copies of it to Booked, an independent bookstore in Chestnut Hill. I plan to visit other independent stores to see if they’d like to sell it as well. It’s been fun to see it make its way in the world.  

Since it’s release, I’ve struggled with validation. It’s self-published, so some may consider it not a “real book.” I’m doing everything on my own from formatting, to cover design, to marketing. So I understand how it can be construed as just a fleeting passion project.

I’ve always prided myself in not caring what others thing and releasing this little piece of myself to the world has proven that I do care a little too much about what others think, especially those closest to me. I think it’s a fun book so I published it. It’s out there and I plan to do more. Whether it is well received or not, it’s so good to have something that I have created be out in the real world. I need to keep reminding myself, I only need validation from myself. I’m proud I took this step. I’m proud I forced myself to do something new for me that’s outside of the kids.

My car got broken into as you may have read in my post Stolen. I thought my ID and house keys were taken. It happened on a Tuesday. By Friday, I found my damn bag hanging up under a bunch of coats. I FORGOT my wallet and keys the day I went to the playground. What a perfect day to forget my purse! I NEVER forget it. I was so relieved to find it. Everyone made fun of me for finding it. Um, thanks everyone. I still had a bag of hats and gloves stolen and had a smashed car window. It was scary, but lesson learned. Don’t leave stuff on the seat anywhere you go.

The holiday season started off strong with a fun Thanksgiving! The kids made it through Christmas happy and mostly not sick! Peter had a cold, but it was manageable. I started the inhaler regimen that they suggested as soon as his nose started to run, so his breathing has been fine. By the end of the week though, he was at the pediatrician with an ear infection and Lucy and Zachary threw up a few times. But hey, we made it through Christmas and nobody was hospitalized, so that’s a milestone. I think the last 3 Christmases Lucy and Zachary had fevers so I was happy they felt good and had a fun time. 

Zach’s family was in town. We spent a lot of nice time with them. Since we were all local, I was able to do both families on Christmas. It was busy, but we managed to pull it off and I’m grateful that my family and Zach’s are understanding of splitting up the day. We haven’t had to do that very often with Zach’s family being from Massachusetts. We have gone up there for different holidays over the years. His sister lives nearby and just had a baby a couple months ago so it was decided it would be best to stick around. Always fun having a new baby around over the holiday. 

Having everyone in the same city sounds easier, but it can still be hard to be there for everyone. And time visits properly. It’s hard not to think maybe I should have spent more time here or there. But, I didn’t find myself being too stressed this time. It’s actually the calmest I’ve felt during the holidays in recent years! Maybe it’s because Lucy and Zachary are a little more mature and aware of the holiday. They were very excited this year. Their tantrums aren’t as frightening or frequent too so that always helps life. And I didn’t just have a baby or I’m not pregnant. The last few Christmases I’ve been nauseous and tired from either being a few months postpartum or from being pregnant! This year, I really felt like myself and was able to immerse myself more in the holiday season. Maybe it could also be because I am caring a little bit less about how it all looks and plays out and focusing more on the kids just being happy and having fun. 

So, here I am finishing this post on my computer while sitting in my bed, 2 days after starting it in my phone in the car. What I did I learn from 2023? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to think about at the end of every year? What lessons are we taking into the new year?

I learned to keep doing my thing. I learned that I am tired, but so is everyone else. I learned as I wrote this post and did self therapy that I am not lonely. But maybe I wish I were! Maybe that’s it. I’m so over stimulated and surrounded by so much need and love that I wish I could properly feel lonely. I’ve learned I’m lucky I can whine about things and then wake up the next day and do it all again because I do in fact love my life.

Moving forward, I want to be better at staying connected with others outside of my circus at home. It’ll help my heart and mind. I also want to continue writing regularly. So that when I do a year end review I can properly relay back to previous posts instead of remembering events mid year review post that I meant to write about before but didn’t.

To end this mess of thoughts, I want to tell you how Zach and I rang in the new year. Zach and I like to have fun. That’s how it’s been since the dawn of our time together. Since having children, we haven’t done much on New Year’s Eve obviously. In an effort to make it at least a little unique, the last couple years we’ve dressed up at home and we have taken funny pictures with the toys. Yes, you read that correctly. We were in tears laughing at ourselves. We even made a stop motion movie of Lucy and Zachary’s ponies we got them. Not real ponies obviously. These pony cycle things they can ride on. They’re hilarious. We also played Nintendo 64. Yes, the original 1996 machine still works!

As we laughed and took these ridiculous photos, I felt such comfort. We made it through another year together with ups and some downs. No matter how tired we can be at the end of a busy week with family and the kids, we still make an effort to find the time and energy to be who we are together, lovable and silly. How can I ever think that I’m lonely? As easy as it is to slip into that frame of mind, I just have to look next to me to know I have a pal for life. Together we’re ready to face another year with laughter and love.

And so, farewell to 2023. You gave us more experience and wisdom and we thank you. I hope we can use what we learned and work through 2024 with greater ease and grace. Happy New Year everyone.